Explained Clearly!!

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
***********
Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.
***********
Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
***********
Divorce:
Future tense of marriage
***********
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
***********
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
***********
Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
***********
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .
***********
Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.
***********
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
***********
Ecstasy :
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
***********
Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.
***********
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
***********
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
***********
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
***********
Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
***********
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
***********
Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.
***********
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
***********
Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
***********
Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
***********
Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
***********
Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.
***********
Pessimist :
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
***********
Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
***********
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
***********
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught.
***********
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
***********
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
***********
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills .

Server Bole Toh!!!

First year was the most hectic year in my engineering academic life. On one side I was about to leave Physics and Chemistry forever and on other side I was about to join the geek world.

Scene: First year computer practical exam.

Venue: Computer Lab

Time: The worst possible time...Around 12 o’clock.


The last day of my first year exams and the biggest mountain is still not conquered - “Computer Practical”.

The only thing I learned in last one year is to differentiate between a CPU and a monitor. This is the only

true knowledge I have about this subject.


Let me look at the search and sort program again.

Scanf then printf….Oops…printf then scanf… # include iostream.h…#include conio.h…clrscr()

Oh...God...I wish that share folder still exists… I hope the netsend command still works.

God...Help me… main ()…curly brackets open….


Oops !! There he is, the most brilliant student of our class Janeesh K.J , the one who asked

doubt to our Mechanical faculty on the first day itself. A tough question “Sir, is it possible to

store data on WordStar instead of Access “.


Ghosh!!! What’s WordStar?? What’s Access?? I am going to fail.

He looks too cool. Boy…5 more minutes left... C came after B…now we have C++ and VC++…C was discovered/invented (not sure) by Dennis Richie….


I can hear one of the gal asking Janeesh “What’s ANSI C ?”

Oops...I don’t know even that...Probably discovered by Ancy… so C was discovered by both Dennis and Ancy… might be husband - wife.


Here comes the lab assistant.

“Guys get in!!!”


So at last the time has come. Utmost one more supplementary. Huh!!! Ravinder …you have been through these situations now and then … bravo...Come on!!!!


I entered the lab with shaking hands...legs…entire body...


Oh that’s my system!!!! It’s still vacant…my shared drives…. Ha ha ha ..great


“Hey…take this system…sit according to your roll number” (In came the voice of lab assistant)


What the…H*%$ is it….?


Hey even this system is far from the faculty’s desk. This is great.


“Now !! turn over the sheet of paper on your desk, you have to complete the task in 3 hours. First write down the algorithm and then start doing the program.”


So...This is it… Come on…let’s see what’s in there….


Write a program to sort N natural numbers in ascending order and then perform search operation.

(PS: Use Bubble sort and binary search).


Nice question the one I have mugged up. Take this Compy – Dompy…

#include iostream.h…#include conio.h..main()….


Its’ over and still plenty of time left. Let me see what others are doing. Oh !! God they all are gone. Was this paper that easy!!


“Ravinder  are you finished with the work?”

“Yes Mam”

“OK !! show me the output”

“Here it is...” ..Ctrl+F9


“Okay..that looks okay..it could have been better…you should add comments where ever possible…”…bla bla bla..and one more bla….

Oh !!! she is gone….hmmm..she will never get satisfied…anyways..It’s over…


I started going towards the door


“Ravinder !!! where r u going? Come over here. You still have VIVA left.”


Huh !!! Not again !!!


“Please sit “

“Thank you “


“Okay !! Tell me..What is a computer”

‘A computer is an electronic device…….tttttrrrrrrrrrrppppppp”..

I am the best..I am the best..I am the best.. Yah I am best


“What r macros?”

‘Sorry’

Did she hear me saying I am the best…


“What r libraries”

‘Pardon’


“What are command line arguments?”

‘Don’t know’


“What are inbuilt functions?”

‘Can u please repeat the question……’

Are these questions from Computer Science!!!! Huh !!!


“Okay one last question…Show me where is the server in our lab”

Hmmm….Server is something big…yah it’s very big….bigger than CPU and monitor…now I have to find where it is….hmmm…

not that…that’s a switch board…not even that...that’s AC….hmmmm…which one is the server…..Oopps…that’s her again…


“Hey !!! Stop revolving in your chair and tell me..Which is the server?”

Hey that looks like a server….

’There it is’.…(pointing hand towards the UPS, but the faculty thought Ravinder was pointing towards the system..kept on the table )


“Good…Why didn’t you tell me earlier if you knew that? Actually no one answered it correctly...Good keep it up”

“Thank you mam..thanks a lot…”


Yahoooo…..last ball..sixer..yipeeee………………….


From then on I never looked back, within hours I became the hero of the class. People started coming to me with their doubts.

I cleared all their doubts. Even that svelte gal came and asked “What’s ANSI C ?”. Till date she thinks Richie and Ancy are husband and wife.

Common English bloopers

English can be a tricky language to master. There are a number of words that sound same but mean different things or those are spelled differently, and it's easy to get confused.

Another problem area is when people translate sentences from Hindi to English. Sentences in English are structured differently and a direct translation is often incorrect and can even be misleading.

Below are some examples.

1. Order of words

    WRONG: My all relatives are coming.
    CORRECT: All my relatives are coming.

    WRONG: She is absent always.
    CORRECT: She is always absent.

   WRONG: What I can do for you?
   CORRECT: What can I do for you?

   WRONG: Where you are going?
   CORRECT: Where are you going?

   WRONG: There is anything left?
   CORRECT: Is there anything left?

   WRONG: These all are mine.
   CORRECT: All these are mine.

2. Repeating certain words for emphasis

    WRONG: Morning morning jogging is a good habit.
    CORRECT: Jogging early in the morning is a good habit.

    WRONG: The flowers are of different different colors
    CORRECT: The flowers are of many different colors.

    WRONG: Small small mistakes are forgivable, not big big blunders.
    CORRECT: Small mistakes are forgivable, not big blunders.

3. Using prepositions where not required.

    WRONG: Please don't make me to do it.
    CORRECT: Please don't make me do it.

    WRONG: Don't let him to go.
    CORRECT: Don't let him go.

    WRONG: There is so much of noise in this room.
    CORRECT: There is so much noise in this room.

    WRONG: Let's go for shopping.
    CORRECT: Let's go shopping.

    WRONG: I am hungry. Please order for some food.
   CORRECT: I am hungry. Please order some food.

4. Omitting prepositions where they are required.

    WRONG: Please convey her my condolences.
    CORRECT: Please convey my condolences to her.

    WRONG: Can you drop me at Pizza Hut?
    CORRECT: Can you drop me off at Pizza Hut?

5. Other instances of prepositions being used incorrectly.

    WRONG: I have been working in this company since three years.

    CORRECT: I have been working in this company for three years.
    CORRECT: I have been working in this company since 2004.

    WRONG: Please pay attention on this topic.
    CORRECT: Please pay attention to this topic.

    WRONG: I travel on bus.
    WRONG: I came in bus.
    CORRECT: I travel by bus.
    CORRECT: I came by bus.

6. Others

    1. I have given the exams.

    This is the commonest mistake young people commit. This is translated from Hindi: "Maine      exams diye hain."

     ~ The correct usage is: "I have taken the exams."

     2. He was both his father as well as his mentor.

     This is another very common error. When you use "both", the "as well as" is unnecessary or       redundant. Use either of the two.

     ~ He was both his father and his mentor
     ~ He was his father as well as his mentor.

     3. She is very proudy.

     The dictionary does not have a listing for the word "proudy". The correct usage is:
      ~ She is very proud. (This can be both negative and positive.)
      ~ She is arrogant. (If intended to be used in a negative sense.)

      4. Often "advice" and "advise" are confused and misused by people. "Advice" is a noun, while        "advise" is a verb.

       WRONG: Please advice me on the issue
       RIGHT: Please advise me on the issue

       WRONG: What is your advise?
       RIGHT: What is your advice?

Few Definitions!

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.


Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that youcan die Rich.


Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.


Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"


Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.


Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.


Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.


Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.


Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.


Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.


Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.


Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.


Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Some facts that make you laugh

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Shall we...?

Does love need a reason?

Once a lady, having a conversation with her lover, asked:

Lady : Why do you like me..? Why do you love me?

Man : I can't tell the reason.. but I really like you.

Lady : You can't even tell me the reason... how can you say you like me? How can you say you love me?

Man : I really don't know the reason, but I can prove that I loveU.

Lady : Proof? No! I want you to tell me the reason. My friend's boyfriend can tell her why he loves her but not you!

Man : Ok..ok!!! Erm...because you are beautiful,
because your voice is sweet,
because you are caring,
because you are loving,
because you are thoughtful,
because of your smile,
because of your every movements.

The lady felt very satisfied with the man's answer.

Unfortunately, a few days later, the Lady met with an accident and went in comma.

The Guy then placed a letter by her side, and here is the content:

Darling,
Because of your sweet voice that I love you...
Now can you talk? No! Therefore I cannot love you.
Because of your care and concern that I like you..
Now that you cannot show them, therefore I cannot love you.
Because of your smile,
Because of your every movements that I love you..
Now can you smile? Now can you move?
No, therefore I cannot love you...
If love needs a reason, like now,
There is no reason for me to love you anymore.
Does love need a reason? NO!
Therefore, I still love you...

"Sometimes the best and the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, cannot be touched, but can be felt in the heart"

Rabbit Special Supercool Ways of Sucide

 

Laws you better know.....

1. Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin itching.

2. Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

4. Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre,the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

5. O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Willoughby's Law:
When yo u try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

9. Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

11. Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Howden's Law:
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

13. Murphy's Law:
What has to go wrong will go wrong.

Remember me !!!!

Speak your mind in an interview

Honestly, we all have these answers in our mind ... but we give different, tailored and suitable answers !!


1. Why did you apply for this job?

I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?

I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?

You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4. What would you do if this happened?

Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...

5. What is your biggest strength?

Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company

6.What is your biggest weakness?

Girls

7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?

Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?

Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?

Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?

For the same reason why you left your earlier job

11. What do you want from this job?

If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?

Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?

Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website

14. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?

Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard.

(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)

Some Wacky Quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
Seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an
Hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
Relativity.
- Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
The moment you get up in the morning and does not
Stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's
There to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain
The success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan

It matters not whether you win or lose; what
Matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
Remember you when he is
In trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand
Wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
Creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know
Where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again,
Neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to
Shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly
Proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Think then join

Top most Firing IT companies in India

1) Polaris :
Most dangerous place to work. Employees will not loose their jobs but they loose their personal life. Employee has to be slave in the company only. They have to forget their family. No Saturday and Sunday. It will be difficult to get the leaves. Appraisal is linked with the request for leaves. Employee harassment is more. One has to be careful while taking tea or coffee in the office because cockroaches will be there. Lot of sleep-less nights need tobe spend in the office. Attrition rate is very high.

2) IBM :
Right now this is the most firing and dangerous company for IT professionals. >From the last 6 months, this company fired nearly 20% of their employees because of BG check and performance issues. This is most unsecured company from IT professionals point of view. They didn't have any strategic plans at HR policies regarding employee security.

3) Accenture :
This is second top most firing company. This company was also have good firing rate like 15%. This is basically depends upon outsourcing, so there is no job security for an employee in this company.

4) Intel :
Recently they started firing of the employees.

5) CTS :
Always having firing policies (checking the Educational background and previous employment and also employee performance in work)

6) CSE :
Basically not a firing, but be careful about Back ground.

7) Satyam :
Basing upon their projects requirement they used to fire the people. Currently they stopped firing. Attrition rate is very high.

8) Patni :
They fired so many employees, currently they are in very much deficiency with the employees. Attrition rate is very high in this company.So take care before accepting offers from these companies.

Secured IT companies in India

1) Microsoft : Has project till 2050.

2) EDS : Most secured company in India. Not laid off any of its employees even during 2001. Have lots of projects in Defense and financial areas .

3) HP: Dream Company. In-house and outside projects

4) TCS : A govt. IT Company. Secured.

5) WIPRO : Doing good as ever. Lots of project. Recently acquired GM project.So doing better.

6) HCL : A good company to be in. Also called as a retirement company.

How Infosys grooms its future leaders

The leadership development programme at Infosys takes after similar processes followed by many global mega corps. It has been refined to suit the particular needs of Infosys and is termed as the 'nine pillars for leadership development in Infosys.'


These nine pillars form the backbone of the PDP and each leader can choose from these pillars for personal development. "Depending upon the individual's need to grow and the company's sensitivity to these needs, every (short-listed) individual is groomed to lead the company in the future," Gopalakrishnan says.

The chosen few -- 400 of the 58,409 employees -- identified as 'high potential Infoscions' undergo a three-year 'leadership journey' that includes training, actionising personal development programme, interacting with other participants, understanding the company better and resolving real business issues.

The note prepared by the ILI(in-house leadership institute) faculty enumerates 'the nine pillars for leadership development' as:


1. 360 degree feedback

This is the mechanism through which the company gathers data about an individual's performance and abilities. This information is collected from coworkers, including peers, subordinates, managers and customers. Personal development plans are prepared on the basis of this feedback. Then, each of these individuals is assigned an ILI faculty member to help prepare the PDP and to follow it.

2. Development assignments

Identified high potential Infoscions are trained at various functions of the company through job rotations and cross-functional assignments. This helps employees to acquire new leadership skills outside their own areas of expertise and experience.

3. Infosys Culture workshops

These workshops are designed to fortify the Infosys culture amongst the participants, help instill better communication skills through sustained interaction amongst themselves, and identify with the values and processes involved in leadership development.

4. Development relationships

This includes one-on-one interaction in actual on-the-job work climate and leads to better sharing of knowledge and camaraderie amongst individuals. Mentoring forms an integral part of this exercise.

5. Leadership skills training

The 'Leaders Teach Series' are workshops that the company's Tier-1 members, including Narayana Murthy and Nandan Nilekani (CEO and MD), hold to acclimatise the next rung with leadership roles and to groom them through their own rich experience.

6. Feedback intensive programmes

These are akin to 360 degree feedback, but based on formal and informal feedback from employees that an individual interacts with.

7. Systemic process learning

This helps individuals to gain an overall view of the company and its diverse and complex systems, business, operations and processes. It is a continuous process and helps improve the individual and also the systems.

8. Action learning

This exercise constitutes solving real problems in real-time conditions, but as a team.

9. Community empathy

The company stresses the need to give back to society through involvement in various developmental, educational and social causes. This programme helps nurture a social conscience amongst its leaders.

"The last 25 years for Infosys have been successful. And we are ready for the future. Yes, our growth rates will change, the business cycles will change, our ability to influence the business environment will change, even our leaders will change. But what will not change in Infosys's future is our ability to achieve profitable growth legally and ethically, our guiding set of principles and our values," says Gopalakrishnan.

Meanwhile, there is a buzz about the imposing edifice of the ILI set amidst the verdant expanse that is the Mysore campus of Infosys: the next CEO, COO, CFO are being readied there.

Hello World !!!!